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This is where I belong.

It never hurts to try. But I am officially done obeying.

So I actually did it. I am up at 6:30 am, my body still thinks it is 9:30am. My first night was horrible. I woke up at 5, scared and lost. Waking up with the feeling of not knowing where you are is scary. Made some calls to home for closure and comfort. My first full day was a roller coasters. I was confident, then lost, and anxiety would set in. Today is the first day I woke up from a good nights sleep, feeling confident. I think this might actually work, I just need to take a step back and take it all in. A spoonful at a time, things will come, I know they will. And before I know it, two of the most important people in my life will be right by my side.

The great feeling I have is that I feel my father behind me with this decision 100%. I actually sense his presences in this house, and it makes me feel that everything is going to be ok. It’s time to make things happen.

So my car is on it’s way to California, along with all my clothes and pretty much all the materialistic things that define my life. I guess this officially makes it official that I am moving for good. As of now, I’m about 99% excited, and 1% scared and doubtful. But that 1%, man am I scared shitless. It’s a good thing it only comes along once in a while, and I have that other 99% to work off of. I know things are going to be good. I know I can do anything I put my mind to. And I am going to go out to Cali, and make good things happen. I hope my care has a nice journey.

All is good

the people who helped me are starting to drive me crazy . . .

So I woke up scared again today. Why? I just don’t know. I don’t understand how I can sometimes have amazing days, feel great, and think everything is going to be perfect, and then the very next day I feel horrible, scared, and doubtful of everything. When I feel good, I tell myself “ok, this feeling is amazing, and I am going to concentrate on maintaining it forever.” But the next day, I forget how I even achieved this feeling. Even simple things like talking with the people close to me aren’t working anymore. I think they are simply getting tired of hearing about it, so they just kind of half ass effortly try to cheer me up. I just really need to get a handle on my feelings and emotions. And still . . . I continue to hope this move is right for me.

I had a really bad dream about my grandfather last night. I really hope it’s just me being freaky and not a glimpse of what is soon to come.

My Dido said something to me yesterday as I sit there with him in the hospital. “Nothing beats satisfaction.” It honestly blew my mind. All the shit he is going though; all the pain and suffering and he still finds simple satisfaction and pleasure in the littlest things. I think that is what keeps him going. No matter how bad a situation is, if you even get 10 seconds of satisfaction, all seems right with the world.

I then began to talk to him about me leaving in June. He isn’t in such great shape. His surgery was canceled because out of no where he developed a heart palpitation. And the other night he fell on his way to the bathroom and is in horrible pain now. I feel that if I leave on the 10th, I will be abandoning him and the family. He looked me right in the eyes and said “Nicky, sometimes you need to live you life for yourself, and not other people.” He continued to say that he will be fine, and that if I feel I need to do this, then I better do it now and not delay and wait around for something to happen. He is so wise, and I only wish I realized this earlier. But it’s better late than never. All I pray for now is that he is happy and comfortable for the rest of the time he has. But I know that he will always be with us, no matter what.

I love the people around me so much. But sometimes some of them are out of line. This is why I cannot wait for the move. I know the distance will only make the love stronger. It’s calling for something, and I think this is it.

I wake up, and i feel amazing. I hope this feeling stays forever, and only gets better.

The date is set. All is final. I feel alive.

I’m too uptight about life. I pay more attention to what I eat than what I have to accomplish. I feel as though body image has taken over my life. I have sacrificed to many pleasures just to strive for my ideal. An ideal that I have never reached, and most likely never will. It has taken over my life. I strive to be as healthy as possible, but in return am becoming just the opposite. It’s time I stop placing so much importance on body image, six pack abs, and leanness. I can still be healthy, and enjoy life at the same time. Who cares if I eat pizza once in a while, or have ice cream for breakfast. Tomorrow starts a new day. I will no longer be confined to bland food and low energy levels. There is more to life than this. I am an active 21 yr old, and there is no reason why I should be fighting to stand and stay awake when 6 o’clock roles around. There is only so much caffeine can do. Tomorrow I will change, or at least begin the process. All I know is that I cannot go though the rest of life this way.

...tomorrow the date will be booked, and it will be final.

I’ve come to a conclusion that pot is evil. While I was high last night, and thinking about the move to California, I almost threw up and honestly felt as though I was about to die. Fortunately now that I am sober, I feel better about the whole thing.

There are so many times where I have been falling back. My day will start out good, but then the next second I am lost, scared, confused, panicky. And what causes this is still unknown to me. I am trying hard to overcome these feelings I foster, and feel I am better than I once was. But I just want the world to know that I am happy. The people I have in my life could not be any better. I love every single one to death, and am so grateful of all these wonderful things God has blessed me with. Not a day goes by where I don’t wake up and realize how great I really do have it. I just need to work on this falling back part of myself. But that’s all it is . . . myself. It does not deal with the people in my life, it is something within me that I need to work out. I am the problem, and all you people around me are the ones that bring me back to reality . . . and I thank you

sometimes people just need to accept me for who i am. And stop trying to make me be something i am not, even if it is something they do not agree with. No one is perfect.

Why is it that you always realize certain aspects about things and people when it comes to the end. A class that I have been waking up to twice a week has just ended today, and I find myself a little down. I met three really nice girls in that class, and talked to them all throughout the semester. But as we were parting ways, I felt sad. I wished them luck with the rest of school, and they wished me luck with California. And what really got me was when I was walking away, one of them called out my name and waved me over. She said she wanted to ask me something about Cali, but she forgot. I know this was just a reason to get me over, but it was very flattering. They asked for my e-mail and I gave it to them, but the whole time I kept on thinking “why didn’t we do this earlier in the semester?” Their super nice girls, and I would have loved to hang out with them sometime during the semester, but it’s funny how we don’t realize things like this till the end, when it is too late. Maybe we just get scared of the end and fight for any way possible to hold on just a bit, even though on the outside we are saying we are so glad classes are over. No matter how much I seem to hate a class, I have always been sad the last day when I exit the room and realize that I will most likely never see these people again for the rest of my life.

So scared, confused, worried, retarded. Don't know what to do.

I’m starting to realize things that have been present for a while now. I am uncomfortable. This house brings no comfort, no warmth, no freedom. I haven’t felt at home in over a year. I hate this room, and continue to wake up in confusion and depression. I feel this house feeds me negative energy. When I need escape, I come here to relax, but am not able to achieve. It is a destructive relationship. Hopes of something new brings excitement into my life. Maybe this just isn’t the place for me. Maybe I will feel better after I make the move. But what if I am wrong? What if it isn’t the house making me feel this way? Or the area? Maybe I’m just a depressed person? Nah, I know I am not. I can’t wait to see what else life has to offer me. I love it here, and at the same time hate it. But the unknown is what scares me, but excites me in so many ways. Maybe the answer is out there. Or maybe it is within me, and I just have to dig it up. All I know is that I am looking forward to this change, but am going to miss all the things here that pick me up, and even the ones that bring me down.

everything is happening much sooner than I expected.

Sometimes it takes just one night to put everything back into perspective again. And one special person.

The new date is August 1st.